Defensiveness is a conditioned coping mechanism that you adopt in childhood as a result of not feeling safe or being afraid to have a parent or caretaker disapprove of you. In childhood (& to our subconscious mind), disapproval could result in death. We relied on our parents to keep us alive, which is why we would do anything to make sure they like us. If a parent doesn’t like their kid enough - they can kill them or abandon them. Infanticide rates are historically higher than you’d imagine. That fear of disapproval, rejection or abandonment can stick with us into adulthood - UNLESS we do something to rewire that part of the brain, giving it the good news that we won’t actually die if someone doesn’t like us or leaves us. Defensiveness is an egoic survival strategy. The hidden pain behind the pattern of defensiveness might be: 🤍“I never felt like I was enough for my parent(s) and I still don’t feel good enough.” 🤍 “I was criticized, shamed, belittled, made fun of or bullied as a kid or teenager” 🤍”If I made a mistake I was punished, yelled at, shamed (my character was shamed, ie. “You are so bad. You are so disrespectful. You are so careless and forgetful.”) 🤍”I feel extremely uneasy when someone disagrees with me” 🤍”I feel angry and upset when someone thinks something about me that I don’t think is true” (I have a hard time allowing space for other people to have differing opinions or interpretations of reality) 🤍”I learned that I sometimes needed to lie in order to feel safe (not be shamed, judged, criticized, rejected)” If you know you have a pattern of defensiveness or you’ve been told “you’re defensive” by someone you love - it’s okay. That was me too. I’m right here in this with you. You can break free from that old coping mechanism and start to be able to listen, understand, be curious, validate and empathize with the person who is sharing their needs, feelings or concerns with you. You can change. Defensiveness is NOT you - it’s NOT who you are. It’s just a protection mechanism you needed to keep you safe. You don’t need it anymore. Stop letting that old pattern ruin your relationships. I know how to help- book a call, let’s talk❤️😊 #relationshipcoach #relationshipcoaching #relationshipcommunication #communicatewithyourpartner #communicateeffectively #communicationskills #communicationtips #partswork #ifs #internalfamilysystems #emotionalintelligence #regulateyournervoussystem #codependency #codependent #anxiety #anxious #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle #innerchildhealing #shadowwork #lifecoach #rapidresolutiontherapy #relationshiptherapist #relationshiptherapy #marriagecoach #marriagetherapy #trustissues #communicationissues #communicationcoach #communicationskills #communicationproblems #communicationtips #gottman #gottmanmethod #gottmanapproach #gottmanrelationship #gottmantherapist #dating #datingadvice #datingtips #codependency #codependent #codependentnomore #codependentrecovery#defensive#defensiveness